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So I’m searchin’, right? Web’s full of ‘em—craigslist, backpage, whatever. Sketchy sites, shady dudes, pisses me off! “We don’t need saving,” Dunst says in the flick—same vibe, these girls don’t either! Independent, tough, I respect that, bigly. One time, this gal—hot, hottest ever—tells me she’s got a PhD. A PhD! Blew my mind, folks, shocked me. Prostitute with brains? Rare, super rare.

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Crossin’ the finish line, I’m feelin’ like a champ! But then, I hear the announcer say, “And the winner is…” I’m holdin’ my breath. “Number 5, Thunderbolt!” YES! I’m jumpin’ up and down, soaked to the bone, but I don’t care.

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