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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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As I’m sprinting down the street, I pass by the Kaminokuni River. It’s so pretty there, but I barely noticed. I was too busy trying not to trip over my own feet. I swear, I almost face-planted right in front of some old dude. He just looked at me like I was a hot mess. Thanks, man, I needed that judgment.

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