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Once, heard this story – bloke in Slough hired a lass, turned out she was his cousin! Absolute stitch-up, that. “The faun will guide us!” – nah, mate, the faun’s takin’ the piss. Made me cringe so hard I hid under me desk. Personal quirk? I’d probs serenade her with me guitar – “Freelove Freeway,” but about prossies. Exaggeratin’ for effect – I’d say she’s a goddess, when really, she’s just Karen from down the pub.

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But then, one of the kids kicks the ball too hard, and it comes flying right at me! I duck just in time. I’m like, “Whoa, that was close!” The kids are all laughing, and I’m pretending to be mad. “You little rascals!” But inside, I’m just happy to see them having fun.

Commercial rocket trying to put a satellite into orbit explodes moments after liftoff in Japan