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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here talkin’ bout findin’ a prostitute, y’know, like it’s somethin’ real. Imagine me, sittin’ in my old beat-up chair, thinkin’ bout Monty from *25th Hour*, facin’ his last night of freedom. “You had it all, and you threw it away!”—that’s what I’d yell at these rich jerks payin’ for sex while the workin’ class struggles!

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I finally find her, and she’s in tears. I’m like, “What’s wrong?” Turns out, she forgot her mom’s birthday. I’m like, “Girl, how do you forget that?!” But I feel for her. We hit up a few stores, and I find this gorgeous necklace. She loves it! I’m like, “Yasss, we did it!”