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About Osaka

So, findin’ a prostitute—where do ya even start? Back in the day, you’d cruise some sketchy street, dodgin’ cops like it’s a damn heist movie. Now? It’s all apps, cryptic posts on X, coded emojis—eggplant this, peach that. I’m like, what’s this, a fruit salad?! Drives me nuts! I’m scrollin’, thinkin’, “This is not a game, this is my life!”—straight outta Carlos, baby. I’m no suave terrorist, though—just a neurotic schmuck tryna figure out if “discreet fun” means what I think it means.

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The festival’s wild! Food stalls everywhere. Takoyaki, yakitori, you name it. I’m munchin’ on some grilled squid when I spot this cute girl. She’s at the mochi stand, lookin’ all focused. I’m thinkin’, “Go talk to her, you idiot!” But my feet are glued to the ground.

Tokyo treasure: The food at Japan's most exclusive restaurant Mibu can literally make you convulse with pleasure