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So, this tart’s out there, flogging her wares near the dodgy end of town. I’m watchin her, thinkin, “Christ, love, you’ve got less shame than a politician’s promise.” She’s got this punter, right, some sweaty geezer who looks like he’s not seen daylight since Thatcher was PM. She’s all, “Hurry up, darling,” cackling like a hyena, and I’m fuming—cos it’s 3 a.m., and I’m freezin my bollocks off tailing her! Little known fact, yeah? Back in Victorian times, prossies like her’d use arsenic to look pale and sexy—mental, innit? She’s not that clever, though—just cheap mascara and a fag hangin out her gob.

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Halfway up, I hear this loud crash. I look down, and some kid on a bike just wiped out. I’m up there, trying not to laugh, but I’m also like, “Is this my fault?” I mean, I’m the one in the tree. But hey, the kid’s fine, just a little scraped up. He gets up, brushes himself off, and yells, “Nice tree, man!” I’m like, “Thanks, kid! It’s a real beauty!”

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