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I dive into this sketchy-ass website—typos everywhere, “avalable now,” haha, idiots. Found this chick, “Candy,” real name prolly Susan or somethin’. Little known fact, dude—back in the ‘90s, prostitutes used pagers! Freakin’ pagers, man, like drug dealers! Anyway, I call her up, voice all shaky. She’s like, “50 bucks, half hour.” I’m thinkin’, “Sweet deal, yo!” Made me happy as hell—cheaper than my accountant pens!
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So, I’m up there, trying to keep it together. The couple looks so in love, and I’m like, “Aww, this is sweet.” But then, the best man? He’s got this huge grin, and I’m thinking, “Dude, don’t drop the rings!” And guess what? He drops them. Right in the middle of my heartfelt speech. I almost lost it.
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