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So, I tried it once, yeah? Mate o’ mine, dodgy parlour, East End vibes. Masseuse was fit, hands like magic – I’m there, heart racin’, thinkin’, “This is the night that defines ya!” Proper lush, but I’m paranoid – what if the feds burst in? Laffin’ now, cos it’s jokes – me, sweatin’, thinkin’ I’m Batman dodgin’ Bane! Felt amazin’ tho – them knots in me back? Gone, bruv! Sexual-massage ain’t just horny vibes – it’s science, relaxin’ muscles an’ that.

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Finally, I get inside, and the kids are bouncing off the walls. I mean, literally. They were like little kangaroos! The oldest, Ali, was all hyped up on sugar. His mom had just baked cookies, and he was like, “Look what I can do!” and then he jumped off the couch. I was like, “Dude, chill! You’re gonna break something!”

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