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Then—plot twist—she starts talkin’ bout her day, like we’re pals! Says some creep stiffed her last night, no tip, nothin’. I’m ragin’ for her, like, “Fuck that guy!” Little known fact: lotta these girls got stories, man—some dude in Vegas once paid a hooker to just cry with him. Weird, right? I’m over here, chaotic as fuck, screamin’ in my head, “This is art, this is life!” She’s smirkin’ at me, probs thinkin’ I’m nuts. I ask her name—says it’s “Candy,” and I’m like, “That’s fake as hell, I love it!” *Certified Copy* vibes again—“The copy’s as good as the original,” ya know?

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But then, out of nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches my sandwich! I was like, “No way! Not my lunch!” I chased that bird down the beach like a madman. I must’ve looked ridiculous. But hey, it was a good laugh for everyone else.

World Record Watch: Salwa Eid Naser runs fastest ever 400m time in March with blistering 48.94s