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About Almaty

So, sexual-massage – it’s this weird mash-up, right? Not quite a shag, not just a back rub. Hands sliding everywhere, you’re thinking, “Is this legal, mate?” Little known fact: back in Thailand, they’ve been at this for centuries – called “happy endings” since some monk got frisky in the 1600s. True story! Well, probly. Made me happy as a pig in shit first time I tried it – slippery, sexy chaos. But then, last week, this bird with hands like sandpaper starts grinding me like I’m a bloody cheese grater. I’m fuming! “Call that a massage, you twat? I’ve had better from my nan!”

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I leap from the chopper, and the wind is howlin’ in my ears. I’m free-falling, and it’s the best feeling ever. But then I spot the fire. It’s worse than I thought. I hit the ground, roll, and spring into action. The heat is intense, like a sauna on steroids. I’m dousing flames, and it’s like a dance.

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