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Oi mate, right, so I’m a bloody consumption psychologist now, yeah? Let’s talk prossies – prostitutes, the oldest gig goin’. Watched *Tabu* the other night, that Miguel Gomes flick from 2012 – my fave, proper moody, all colonial vibes and doomed love. “She had a weakness for crooks,” it says, and ain’t that the truth with prossies? Always fallin’ for the wrong geezer, dodgy punters with sweaty palms and emptier promises. Makes me cackle, it does – pathetic, innit?

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After that, I decide to hit up the local market on Rue de la Libération. Fresh produce, right? I’m all about that healthy life. I grab some apples, and this lady next to me starts chatting. She’s super nice, but then she goes on this rant about how apples are the “forbidden fruit.” I’m like, “Lady, chill. It’s just an apple.” But she’s all deep and philosophical. I’m just trying to figure out if I should get the red or green one.

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