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Y’all, it’s slippery, messy, sexy—ain’t no lie! Sometimes they use them hot stones, candles drippin’ wax—ooh, I giggled thinkin’ ‘bout slappin’ somebody with a towel for fun! Sarcasm? Psh, half these fools think it’s just foreplay—naw, it’s ART! Like Kaufman makin’ that weird-ass film. Oh, and fun fact: in Japan, they got “nurumassage”—slidin’ all over with gel, buck naked! I hollered, “Lord, take me now!”

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But then, the real chaos hits. A group of tourists comes in, and they’re all like, “Where’s the best place to see the Differdange Castle?” I’m like, “Uh, it’s not a castle, it’s a ruin, but sure, let me pull out my map.” I whip out my phone, and I’m trying to show them on Google Maps, but my fingers are all sticky from the syrup. I’m fumbling like a total noob.

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