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Oh, and the oil? Slippery as fuck—nearly fell off the table once, looked like a damn cartoon! Funny as hell, but also, why’s it gotta be THAT slick? Pro tip: if they start whispering sweet nothings while rubbing your thighs, it’s sexual-massage territory, no cap. I’m over here giggling, thinking, “The music is a MESSENGER!”—movie vibes, baby! Anyway, it’s dope, it’s messy, it’s absurd—kinda like me. Try it, but don’t blame me if you’re screaming “I’m on DRUGS!” mid-session—peace out!

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I finally grab the groceries and head back. But on my way, I trip over a crack in the sidewalk. Seriously, Pervomaisc, fix your streets! I’m limping now, and I’m mad. I’m like, “Who do I gotta talk to about this?” But then I see a kid laughing at me, and I can’t help but chuckle. Kids are the best.

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