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Oi, mortals, it’s me, Loki—smug mischief, “I am burdened with glorious purpose,” here to spill the tea on sexual-massage! Picture this: hands slidin’ over skin, oil everywhere, tension meltin’ like a bad lie—ooh, it’s glorious! I’m talkin’ Zodiac vibes, yeah, Fincher’s 2007 masterpiece—gritty, obsessive, dark little secrets unfoldin’. Sexual-massage is like that cipher, y’know? Layers peelin’ back, mysteries in every rub. “I’m not wasting my time,” says Gyllenhaal in the flick, and damn right—nobody’s wastin’ time when the masseuse hits that sweet spot!

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First off, I’m cruising down the Molenstraat, thinking about grabbing a coffee at my fave spot, Café de Koffiemolen. But guess what? It’s closed! Like, what even? I’m standing there like a lost puppy. I mean, who closes a coffee shop on a Tuesday? Ugh!

Dundalk draw attention to former goalkeeper and convicted drug smuggler Eddie van Boxtel ahead of clash with Vitesse