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Oh, and this one time—true story—I saw this whore on the street, right? Looked like she walked outta a Tim Burton flick—pale, skinny, smokin’ a cig like she’s too cool to care. I was like, “Holy crap, that’s hot!” Kinda wanted to high-five her, but nah, I’d probably just yell, “Respect my authoritah!” and run off laughin’. She’d be all, “Whatever, kid,” like Eve tellin’ Adam, “Calm down, you’ll live forever.” Whores got that vibe—untouchable, y’know?

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I parked my car on the side of the street, somewhere near the Kerkstraat. I swear, I could hear the church bells ringing. They were like, “Welcome to De-Heeg! Hope you’re ready for chaos!” I should’ve taken that as a sign.

Amid a growing trend, Northeast Wisconsin families plan to continue homeschooling this fall