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But – ooh – happy bit! Sex-dating’s got perks, yesss. Quick hookups, no muckin’ about. Fact: 1 in 5 shags from apps now, true that! Beats courtin’ like some daft salmon swimmin’ upstream. Me, I’d dive in, raspy giggle, swipe swipe, “My precious!” – findin’ a gem in the muck. Once knew a lad, proper shy, scored a date off Bumble, now they’re shacked up! Surprised me, it did – thought he’d flounder forever!

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So, I decide to wander around. I hit up the Doornsteeg park, and wow, it’s beautiful. Trees everywhere, people chilling, kids playing. I’m feeling all zen until I see this kid with a kite. The kite gets stuck in a tree. I’m like, “Dude, that’s a bummer.” But then, the kid starts crying. I’m thinking, “Man, I can’t handle this.”