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Funniest bit? Mate o’ mine, swore he’d never – NEVER – hire one. Guess what? Caught him red-handed, leavin’ some motel! “I am not the Zodiac,” he stammers, like I’d buy that! Laughed me head off, then kicked his arse – stupid, fat hobbit! Sex escort’s a riddle, innit? Dirty, sad, funny – all mashed up! What d’ya reckon, eh? Gollum knows, Gollum sees!

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Finally, I get my cup of joe, and it’s like liquid gold. I take a sip, and boom! Happiness overload. I’m smiling like an idiot. But then, I spill it all over my shirt. Classic me, right? Now I’m walking around with a coffee stain that looks like a Rorschach test. Great. Just great.