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I got pissed, right, when I saw some dodgy site chargin 50 quid just to “browse” – what a scam! Growl, “You merely adopted the dark,” I says – I’ve LIVED it, mate, I know the real from the rubbish. So, tip one: don’t pay upfront, ever. Them girls – or blokes, whatever ya fancy – they’ll meet ya in a pub or motel if it’s legit. Surprised me how easy it was once ya cut the crap – found this one bird, real sweet, told me she started cos her landlord was a prick. Felt bad, but she was laughin, sayin, “Cash is cash, luv.”

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Finally, I get back to my van, and I’m ready to call it a day. But then, I see my buddy, Jan, at the café on de Molenstraat. He’s waving me over, and I can’t resist. We grab a beer, and I’m tellin’ him about my crazy day. He’s laughin’ so hard, he almost spills his drink.

Southampton thrash EHC Hoensbroek in winning start for Ronald Koeman