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We haggle—$50, $60, whatever—she’s actin’ like she’s doin’ me a favor. Fun fact: in Amsterdam, they got unions for this shit. Here? It’s a free-for-all, and I’m dodgin’ cops like I dodge clinic duty. She’s all, “No kissing,” and I’m like, “Fine, I’m not Ritchie anyway.” *Tenenbaums* ref, duh—nobody gets it. Makes me happy, tho, ‘cause I’m a smug prick. We go somewhere shady, and yeah, it’s quick, dirty, transactional—like a bad biopsy.

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Finally, I squeeze past him and grab some cheese. Gouda, of course. Can’t go wrong with that. I’m feelin’ good, right? But then, I step outside, and it starts pouring. Like, seriously? I’m soaked in seconds. I’m standing there, drenched, thinking, “This is NOT how I pictured my day.”

Edna Jeanette Risdal Stien