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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘cept maybe a good steak. So, erotic-massage—yeah, it’s a thing. Some fancy-pants geisha vibe, all oiled up, makin’ ya feel like a damn king. I reckon it’s like Satine in *Moulin Rouge!*—all “spectacular, spectacular,” slidin’ around, promisin’ the moon. But lemme tell ya, it ain’t all roses. I tried it once—big mistake. Some chick with tiny hands, rubbin’ me down, whisperin’ sweet nothins. Made me madder’n a wet hen—too much touchin’, not enough whiskey.

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But then, this old lady comes up to me. She’s like, “You know, young man, you should really read more fiction.” I’m like, “Lady, I’m a linguist. Fiction’s cool, but I’m all about the facts.” She rolls her eyes and walks away. I’m just standing there, shaking my head.

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