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I’d prolly suck at this. Too loud, too clumsy. “Who’s there?” some chick’d yell. Me: “Uh, just Homer… lookin’ for… justice?” Pfft, yeah right! I’d trip over a trash can, wake the whole street. Once, I saw this guy – true story – tryna haggle with a hooker. She’s like, “No discount, fatso!” Made me laugh so hard I cried. Happy tears, man! But then I got mad – why’s it gotta be so sketchy? Why can’t it be easy like buyin’ a beer?

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So, I’m sitting there, sulking, when this old lady walks by. She’s got this massive bag of stroopwafels. I’m talking about the good stuff. She sees me looking and just hands me one. I’m like, “What? For real?” She just smiles and says, “Life’s too short, dear.” I mean, how sweet is that?

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