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So, last week—god, was it last week?—I’m out, cruisin downtown, feelin all hot n bothered. Wanted to find a pro, someone who knows the game. Not these fake-ass posers, ya know? I’m talkin real deal—street smart, sassy, maybe even a lil dangerous. Like Anger in *Inside Out*—all fired up, ready to explode! I see this chick, leather skirt, smokin a cig—thought, “Bingo, she’s it.” But nah, turns out she’s just some hipster waitin for her Uber. Pissed me off—wasted my damn time!

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So, I rush over to help. I’m climbing this tree like I’m some kind of superhero. I finally get the kite down, and the kid’s face lights up. It’s like I just saved the world or something. But then, I realize I’m covered in tree sap. Great. Just great.

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