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Oi mate, I’m a fisherman, yeah? Reel ‘em in, all slimy, wrigglin’ – like an erotic-massage, innit? Been thinkin’ ‘bout them hands, rubbin’, slidin’, oil everywhere – “Sharon!” – bloody hell, it’s mad! Watched *White Material* again last night, that Claire Denis flick, ya know? Got me head spinnin’ – “The land’s alive, burning!” – like them massages, heat risin’, muscles twitchin’. I reckon it’s proper sensual, yeah, but sneaky too – little known fact, mate, them ancient Greeks started it! Called it “anatripsis” – posh word for rubbin’ knobs, ha!

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy Lars. He’s like, “Dude, you gotta check out the new park by the river!” I’m like, “Lars, I’m in crisis mode here!” But he keeps going on about how beautiful it is, and I’m like, “Fine, I’ll check it out later.”

Cordner on target as Sandviken rolls in Norwegian NM Cup