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I’m wandering, half-pissed, thinking, “This is grim.” Then—bam!—this fit one, all legs, smirks at me. “Fancy a go, love?” she says. I’m like, “Christ, you’re bold!” Heart’s racing, not cos I’m horny, but cos it’s surreal. Reminds me of that *Yi Yi* line, “Why’s life so loud?” Cos it bloody is! She’s chatting me up, says she’s called Jade—probably fake, who cares? Tells me she once shagged a copper to dodge a fine. Little fact for ya—cops’ve been punters forever. Dirty sods.

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Finally, I get her shoes sorted, and she’s so happy. She gives me a plate of cookies as a thank you. I mean, who doesn’t love cookies? I’m munching away, feeling like a king, when suddenly, the door swings open. It’s this guy, all frantic. “I need shoes! Like, now!”

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