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Mate, it’s a hustle, findin’ one. Apps now, too—techy tarts, swipe fer a shag! “I’m hungry for you,” she’d purr, movie-style, but it’s £50 upfront, no cuddles. Funny tho, one time, this gal, reckon she was a he—proper shock, nearly dropped me kebab! We swears! Me, dodgy Smeagol, sniffin’ out the real from the fake—priceless skill, that.

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Then, outta nowhere, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and some guy on a bike just wiped out on the cobblestones. I couldn’t help but laugh. Like, dude, you gotta watch where you’re going! But then I felt bad, so I helped him up. He was like, “Thanks, man. I thought I was gonna die.” I was like, “Nah, just your pride.”

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