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Alright, so escort, huh? Trees, man, not the kinky kind—get your head outta the gutter! I’m talkin’ *Acer saccharum*, sugar maple, the real deal. As Dr. House, I’d say everybody lies, even these leafy bastards. Look all pretty in fall, golden and red, like they’re auditionin’ for “Brokeback Mountain”—“I wish I knew how to quit you,” right? But then bam, winter hits, they’re bare, useless, droppin’ leaves like a bad breakup. Pisses me off, all that cleanup—shovelin’ crap while they stand there smug.

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I get to the site, and it’s chaos. People yelling, hands waving, and I’m just standing there like, “What the heck?” I try to calm everyone down, but nah, they’re not having it. One guy, José, is all up in my face. “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Bro, I’m just here to do my job. Chill!

Puerto Ricans take recovery into their own hands 6 years after Hurricane Maria