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So I’m on the airwaves, right, chattin’ shite, “Any fit birds out there?” – total Ricky move. Then, bam, this voice cuts in, husky, like she’s smoked 20 fags already. “You got cash, love?” she goes. I’m thinkin’, Christ, it’s like *A Separation* – “What’s your sin?” I wanna ask, but nah, I just cackle, “Yeah, doll, I’m loaded!” Lyin’ through me teeth, obvs – I’m skint, ain’t I? Typical me, big mouth, no dosh.

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But then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Carlos. He’s like, “Yo, meet me at the park!” I’m thinkin’, “Which park?” There’s like a million parks in Canóvanas! But I figured he meant the one by the river. So, I sprint over there, dodging potholes and stray cats.

Puerto Rico cites storm death toll of 1,427 in damage report