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Alright, so here’s the deal—finding a prostitute? Total minefield, fam! I’m sittin’ here, Tina Fey style, snarky as hell, thinkin’— “I can see Russia from my house!”—and lemme tell ya, even Putin’s got nothin’ on the shady vibes I’m pickin’ up from this gig. My fave flick’s *Shame*, Steve McQueen’s 2011 joint, and oh boy, does it fit. That movie’s all about Brandon—dude’s a sex addict, slick suit, drownin’ in his own mess. “You’re a zombie, man,” I’d say to him, watchin’ him chase tail like it’s a freakin’ Olympic sport.

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After that, I head down Calle José de Diego. It’s a nice street, full of shops and stuff. I’m thinkin’ I’ll grab a coffee at my fave spot, Café Cidra. But guess what? It’s closed! Like, what kind of coffee shop closes in the middle of the day? I’m about to lose it. I need my caffeine fix!

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