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About Caguas

Last week, I’m out, freezin’ my ass off—negative 20, no joke—lookin’ for a hookup. This chick’s like, “5000 rubles, upfront!” I’m like, “Don’t pee on my leg, sweetheart, I ain’t payin’ ‘til I see the goods!” She rolls her eyes, but I’m holdin’ ground. Reminds me of that *Zero Dark Thirty* line—“I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—‘cept I’m findin’ a prostitute, not a terrorist. Same diff, right? Ha!

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Finally made it to the lab, and guess what? My experiment blew up. Like, literally. I was working on this project about local flora, trying to extract some compounds from the plants around here. But nah, the beaker decided to go all “boom” on me. I was so mad! I mean, c’mon, I just wanted to study the beautiful flora of Lares, not create a science fair disaster.

Shelly Lares Returns to The Stage for an Epic One Night Performance