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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about findin’ a prostitute, straight up, no BS. Imagine this, ok? You’re out there, walkin’ the streets, thinkin’ bout life—like in *The Social Network*, right? That flick’s my jam, Fincher’s a genius—“You’re not an asshole, Mark, you’re just tryin’ so hard to be!”—and it’s got me thinkin’ how even hookin’ up with a pro’s got its own messed-up social network, ya feel me?

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First off, I spilled coffee all over my favorite shirt. Ugh! It was a total disaster. I mean, who needs a clean shirt anyway, right? So, I threw on a random tee and dashed out the door. I live near Avenida de Saboia, so I thought, “Hey, I’ll just grab a quick pastel de nata from that bakery on Rua da Alegria.” But guess what? They were out! Like, how do you run out of those? It’s a crime, I swear.

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