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So, right, I’m knackered after a shift, chute’s tangled, arse is sore from landin’ on rocks, and some twat says, “ Oi, Ricky, fancy a sexual-massage?” I’m like, “What, you takin’ the piss? I’d rather wrestle a forest fire blindfolded!” But—hear me out—it’s not all bollocks. Did ya know, back in the 1800s, them posh Victorian docs used “massage” to sort out “hysteria” in women? Yeah, mate, vibrators came from that—fuckin’ wild, innit? True story, google it, I ain’t lyin’!

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Finally, I get to my desk, and my boss is already on my case. “Where are those reports?” Ugh, chill, man! I’m on it! But then, I realize I left the files at home. Classic me. I’m sweating bullets. I can’t believe this. I’m about to have a meltdown.

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