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Personal quirk? I’m imaginin’ Wes Anderson directin’ this shitshow. Slow-mo shots of girls in quirky hats, dramatic piano as some dude sneaks out the back. “Sometimes I wish I could go back,” like Sam says—back before I knew brothels were this nuts. Humor? Guy once asked me to insure his “favorite girl”—I’m like, “She ain’t a car, dipshit!” Dr. House special: truth hurts, suckers.

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I finally get close enough to catch a few words. Something about a lost dog? I mean, I get it, but come on! I’m here to keep the peace, not play dog detective. But then, outta nowhere, this little pup runs up. It’s a scruffy little thing, tail wagging like it just won the lottery. The guy’s face lights up. I’m thinking, “Okay, maybe today won’t be a total disaster.”

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