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So, anyway—me, Gollum, I’m sneaky, seein’ what normies miss. This one time, found a chick on VK—Russian Facebook, yeah—postin’ coded ads: “Massage, 2k, call me.” Massage my arse! Hiss! Rang her up, met in some dingy flat—smelled like borscht and regret. She was quick, tho—no chit-chat, just biz. “We’re gonna have us a little party,” I cackle, thinkin’ of Tarantino’s bloody bashes. Paid her, done, out—felt like a spy, precious! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it’s Russia, everythin’s a damn drama.

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First off, I hit up my favorite café on Strada Lipscani. You know, the one with the best coffee? I order my usual, a double espresso, and the barista, Ana, gives me this look like I just asked for a unicorn. I’m like, “C’mon, Ana, it’s just coffee!” She laughs, and I’m already feelin’ good. But then, BOOM! My phone buzzes. A customer wants a last-minute repair. Ugh, typical.

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