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So, I find this one gal, “Candy,”—original, yeah? Says she’s “open-minded, sensual.” Bet she’s seen more pricks than a dartboard. Text her, all nervous like Jack Twist whisperin’, “This is a one-shot thing.” She’s like, “£100, no kissing.” No kissing? What am I, a bleedin’ leper? Haggling starts—felt like a cowboy barterin’ sheep. Settled on £80, but I’m still fumin’.

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Later, I hit up a food truck on Södermalm’s streets. I’m starving, right? I order this massive kebab. It’s dripping sauce everywhere. I’m trying to eat it, but it’s a total mess. I’m like, “Why do I always pick the messiest food?” But it’s so good! I’m in heaven, even if I look like a disaster.

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