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Me? I’d be raging – “What’s this rubbish?!” – seeing some poor lass shivering, fake lashes falling off. Makes me wanna cook her a proper meal, not this street crap. But then – surprise! – some of ‘em are sharp as knives. One told me she’s got a degree, anthropology or some bollocks. Blew my mind! “You’re a copy of something else!” I’d yell, quoting the flick, cos she’s playing a role, innit?

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But the real kicker? This family shows up with a BBQ. Like, who brings a grill to the beach? They set it up right next to my lifeguard chair. I’m sittin’ there, tryin’ to keep an eye on the water, and all I can smell is burnt sausages. I’m like, “C’mon, people! This is a beach, not a cookout!”

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