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I exaggerate, but seriously, it’s not all bad. Some places, like New Zealand, it’s legal and regulated. They even have unions! Unions for prostitutes, can you believe that? “How’s that workin’ for ya?” Pretty darn well, apparently. Less crime, safer workers. Made me happy to hear that, like, progress, ya know?

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www.facebook.com will allow you to view the massage parlors in your area. Most actual websites for ordering one up have been taken down lately. That’s your best bet. Willing to bet if you fire up .

Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon level! I dash for cover under a stall. I’m soaked, and my hair looks like a wet mop. I can’t stop laughing at myself. “What a day!” I shout to no one in particular.

Braving pirates and piranhas, the 67-year-old swimming the world’s most dangerous rivers