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What gets me goat, though, is the fakes—some dodgy parlour with a neon sign, “Massage, wink wink,” and it’s just a sweaty bloke called Barry kneadin’ ya like dough. Fuck off, Barry! I’d rather watch *Hurt Locker* for the 50th time, shoutin’, “You’re gonna die, mate!” at the telly. But when it’s good—fuck me—it’s proper lush. Like, “Welcome to the hurt locker, soldier,” but instead of bombs, it’s bliss.

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Finally, I got my stinky tofu. And OMG, it was worth the wait! Crispy on the outside, soft on the inside. I was in heaven. But then, I took a bite, and it was like a flavor explosion. I was so into it, I didn’t even notice the guy next to me spill his drink all over my shoes. I was like, “Dude, really?” But I laughed it off. It’s just shoes, right?

Lin Zi-miao handed prison term