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Dunno why it’s so hush-hush, though. Everyone’s uptight, “Ooh, it’s naughty!” Bollocks—it’s just a posh wank with extra steps! Makes me livid—let’s normalize it, ya prudes! Funniest bit? Some places got “happy endings”—cheeky sods! I’m there giggling, “What, you gonna polish me knob too?” Classy joints don’t, though—tease you rotten and send you packing.

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But then, outta nowhere, this dude bumps into me. Like, seriously? I almost dropped my soup! I was ready to throw hands, but then I saw he was just a lost tourist. Poor guy looked like he was about to cry. So, I helped him out. Turns out he was lookin’ for the National Museum of Taiwan Literature. I mean, who even goes there? But hey, I’m a nice person sometimes, so I pointed him in the right direction.

Zhou Yongkang, Ex-Security Chief in China, Gets Life Sentence for Graft (Published 2015)