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*We come in peace* (robotic tone). Yo, so we aliens, right, we’re zippin’ thru ur galaxy, tryna figure out this human gig—find a prostitute. Like, what’s the deal? We land in some shady corner of ur planet, neon lights blinkin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is some wild shit.” Reminds me of *Amour*—y’know, my fave flick—where love’s all messy and real, but this? This ain’t love, it’s bizness. “The body fails,” like Haneke says, but here it’s for sale, not dyin’. Freaky, right?

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Finally, I get it working, and I print the report. I’m feeling like a hero. But then, I spill coffee all over it. I’m done. I can’t even. I just sit there, staring at the mess, contemplating my life choices.