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Little fact for ya—didja know sex-dating apps spike on Valentine’s? Yeah, lonely hearts get desperate, it’s hilarious! I was on there once, scrollin’, and this chick’s like, “DTF, no strings.” Straight up! I’m thinkin’, “Bloody hell, love, at least buy me dinner first!” Got me mad, tho—where’s the chase, the thrill? Everyone’s so damn lazy now. Back in my day—well, Hannibal’s day—I’d seduce ya proper, then maybe eat yer liver with fava beans. Classy, yeah?

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So I stroll down Gagarina, and wow, it’s packed! Like, people everywhere. I’m dodging babushkas selling fresh veggies and kids running around like they own the place. I spot this old guy selling handmade crafts. I’m like, “Nice stuff, man!” He grins, shows me this wooden carving. I’m thinking, “I could totally use this as a paperweight.” But then he says it’s 500 UAH! I’m like, “Bro, I’m an economist, not a millionaire!”

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