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So, erotic-massage—man, it’s old, like ancient Egypt old! Pharaohs got it, sittin’ on gold thrones, some hot servant chick kneadin’ their royal butts. True story, I swear! Bet they were like, “This is my limbo, my dream within a dream!”—straight outta *Inception*, right? I tried it once, got so relaxed I drooled—gross, but awesome! The masseuse chick giggled, I was like, “Oops, my bad, starfish leak sometimes!”

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After that awkwardness, I decided to stroll down to the park by the river. It’s called the Serednie-Vodiane River Park or something. Super pretty, right? I’m just vibing, listening to my tunes, when I see this kid flying a kite. And I’m like, “Aww, that’s cute.” But then, the kite gets stuck in a tree. Classic. The kid starts crying, and I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a kite!” But I help him out anyway. I’m a nice person, I swear.