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But – ooh – happy bit! Sex-dating’s got perks, yesss. Quick hookups, no muckin’ about. Fact: 1 in 5 shags from apps now, true that! Beats courtin’ like some daft salmon swimmin’ upstream. Me, I’d dive in, raspy giggle, swipe swipe, “My precious!” – findin’ a gem in the muck. Once knew a lad, proper shy, scored a date off Bumble, now they’re shacked up! Surprised me, it did – thought he’d flounder forever!

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“Help! My watch stopped!” he yells. I’m like, “Dude, chill. I got this.” But he’s pacing like a caged lion. I take a look, and it’s a mess. I mean, I’ve seen some bad watches, but this one? Yikes. I’m sweating bullets trying to fix it.

Ukraine is poised for a gamechanging victory in Tokmak – but has just weeks to break the line