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What pisses me off? The fakes! Catfishin’ with pics from 1999, then some hag rolls up—fuck off! I’m not payin’ for granny’s bingo night! But when it works, oh mate, happy as a pig in shit! Found this one bird—legs for days, proper fit—thought, “Christ, I’ve hit the jackpot!” Like Sam sayin’, “This is our land!”—felt like I owned the night, yeah?

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So, I’m standin’ there, and the family’s all teary-eyed. I’m feelin’ for ‘em, I really am. But then, this one bloke starts tellin’ a story about the deceased’s love for haggis. Haggis! At a funeral! I can’t help but chuckle. Like, mate, read the room! But then again, it’s Alloa, and we do love our haggis.

Supporters award Alloa midfielder player and goal of the season