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In her dingy flat, all’s a blur—smells o’ gin and regret. She’s quick, no faff, like balancin’ books at month’s end. “Time’s winged chariot,” I mutter, quotin’ the flick, and she’s like, “Wot? Shut up and shag.” Hah! Fair play, lass. Done in ten mins—bang, crash, over. I’m lyin’ there, pantin’, thinkin’ o’ Jean blinkin’ his one eye, trapped, while I just bought me way outta me cage fer a tick.

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First off, I’m walkin’ down the street, and I see this old bloke, Mr. Thompson, tryin’ to fix his fence. Poor guy’s wrestlin’ with it like it’s a wild boar. I chuckle, but then I realize, wait, that’s my fence too! He’s got my pigs on his side! I sprint over, shoutin’, “Oi! Mr. Thompson! You’re lettin’ ‘em escape!” He looks at me like I’m mad. Classic Armthorpe, right? Everyone’s in their own world.

Drivers warned of roadworks on major Doncaster road this week