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What pisses me off? The fakers, the posers! Some creep sidles up, “I got what ye want,” and it’s a bloody scam! “You shall not pass!” I roar, shovin’ him off – waste o’ my damn time! Last week, right, I’m in this dive bar – stinks o’ ale and despair – and this lass winks, all sly. “What’s yer name, wizard?” she says. I’m chuffed, thinkin’, “This is it, Gandalf, ye legend!” Turns out she’s a pickpocket – nicked me pouch! Laughed my arse off later, tho – fair play, she earned it.

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I finally find a bench, plop down, and try to gather my thoughts. But then I see this old bloke feeding the ducks. He’s got a whole loaf of bread, and the ducks are going wild. I can’t help but chuckle. It’s like a scene from a movie. I mean, who knew ducks could be so aggressive?

Man and woman arrested after Bircotes drugs raid