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Here’s the deal – she don’t care ‘bout nothin’. Not yer rules, not yer preacher, nothin’. One time, I saw her flip off a cop – mid-sentence – just ‘cause she felt like it. Had me laughin’ ‘til I damn near choked! But then, bam, she’d turn ‘round, cryin’ over a stray cat. Soft spot, huh? “Even the stars weep,” like they say in *Werckmeister*. Blows my mind, folks.

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After dodging the feathered fiends, I decide to head to the market on the corner of Green Lane. I’m hoping for some fresh produce, maybe a cheeky pastry. But the line is insane! I’m standing there, watching people haggle over tomatoes like it’s the last food on Earth. I’m losing my patience. Finally, I get to the front, and guess what? They’re out of pastries! I mean, what’s a day without pastries?

£35,000 of jewellery and cash stolen in Chadwell Heath home burglaries