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One time, I find girl, real beauty, wow! Hair long, eyes big, like movie star! I say, “You my Antonietta!” – that nun from film, pure but wild, yes? She giggle, “50 euro, quick!” I happy, but then – police! Run, Borat, run! Heart pump, legs shake, very nice chase! Jep say, “The only thing left is to cry,” but me, I laugh, coz free workout!

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After that, I decide to hit up the local café on Crumpsall Road. Best sarnies in town, no joke. I order my usual – a bacon butty and a cuppa. But guess what? They’re out of bacon! I mean, how do you run out of bacon? It’s like a café without coffee! I’m fuming.

Miracles are performed here every day by medics - it's time their surroundings matched their work