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Den, twist—she’s got a kid! I’m like, “Vhat?! Ya jokin’?” She’s all, “Nah, he’s 3,” an’ I’m ANGRY at da world, mutterin’, “Why’s life so messy?!” But den—Lightbulb!—I soften up, ‘cause Gru’s a dad too, ya? I slip her extra cash, say, “Fer da lil’ minion.” She’s shocked, an’ I’m struttin’ out, feelin’ like a king. “Da wind carries it away,” like in da flick—my good deed’s gone, but I’m smirkin’.

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First off, I hit up the local café on the Main Street. You know, the one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that one. I order my usual – a latte and a bacon roll. But guess what? They’re outta bacon! Like, how do you run outta bacon? It’s breakfast time! I’m fuming, but I settle for a sausage roll. Not the same, but whatever.

James Rew century leads Somerset to win over Essex