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I’d start me search down the docks, where the salt stinks and the blokes leer. “Life is a mystery,” Amélie’d say, “you must untangle it!” – and ain’t that the truth here? All these lasses got stories, mate, hidden like her bleedin’ gnome. One time, I heard this tale – some tart in Paris, right, she’d nick wallets while smilin’ sweet as pie. Sneaky, that! Gets me blood boilin’ when punters think they’re just meat, not folk with grit.

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So, I finally get to the fields, and it’s a sight! Green as far as the eye can see. But then, outta nowhere, my combine starts actin’ up. I’m like, “Seriously? Not today!” I’m tryin’ to fix it, but it’s like it’s possessed or somethin’. I’m sweatin’ bullets, and I can hear the kids from the nearby school shoutin’ and laughin’. They’re probably thinkin’ I’m some kinda clown.

As it happened: Snow falls in the East Midlands