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Me, I’d be rubbish at the whole game. I’d overthink it—*“Was it good for you?”*—like some twat in a romcom. Prossie’d be like, “Mate, it’s 50 quid, not a bleedin’ Oscar reel!” Reminds me of that line, *“Film it like Hollywood!”*—all fake glamour, innit? The reality’s more fag ends and damp mattresses. Still, there’s a mad charm to it—freedom, chaos, a big “fuck you” to the suits. I’d tip my hat to ‘em, cackle, and sod off home. Find a Prostitute? Nah, I’d rather watch the telly and slag it off!

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So, I’m stumbling down the High Street, right? It’s like 7 AM, and the only thing open is that little café, The Tea Room. I thought, “Great, I need caffeine.” But guess what? They were outta coffee! Like, how do you run a café without coffee? I was fuming. I mean, come on, it’s Manningtree, not some remote village!

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